magsscribbles (myscribbles) wrote,

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LJ Idol Week 13 - Throwback Week (Who is that trip trapping on my LJ)

We all take risks that change our lives and open up horizons we never thought we’d dare to fly in. But I was never much of a risk taker; I preferred to stay safe, hiding in the shadows, never calling attention to myself. Growing up, my life revolved around books, books and more books, unlike people, they never judged. I read to myself, I read aloud, I read in school, I even read walking to school. I was the one who read my little brother his bed time story each night. My mum tried a few times but apparently I always did the voices better.

One of his favourite stories was the three billy goats gruff. He loved the tapping sound I would make with my fingers as each Billy Goat tripped over the bridge, ready to face and defeat the ogre, and my loud troll voice as the troll attempted to stop each goat in turn, before being tricked, deceived and eventually defeated. This story to me was about taking risks. Each billy goat was willing to risk the danger of the ogre, to get to something they wanted, something better. But recently I have found myself sympathising with the ogre, his desire to keep his world hidden, safe and to himself. Well let’s just say I have understood that feeling a lot of late.

When I first joined Live Journal, I found that I had a passion for writing, as well as reading. I’m not one of those people who always loved writing, who carried a notebook about with them everywhere ready to jot down their ideas. I enjoyed creating stories in my head, and deciding on different ends for the stories I loved. But it was Live Journal that first gave me the inspiration to put pen to paper, or rather finger to key.

But writing brought with it, insecurity and it's own risks. The day I posted my first ever story the worry and paranoia was intense. What would people think of my writing? what would they think of my content, my ideas? My first pieces were very safe, neutral even, but still I worried. Live Journal in all its anonymity made it so that I couldn’t see who was reading my work unless they commented, but I didn’t want it locked down, because what is the point in writing a story if you can’t share it with readers.

As I wrote more and made some friends, I found myself relaxing slightly, becoming a bit more comfortable with my words and ideas. (Although the first time I found out my husband had been on my LJ, I was filled with a couple of moments of abject terror). Then I started pushing my boundaries a bit more. I wrote my first story with sexual content, and the fear was back. What would people think? Would people judge what I had written? What if it was awful?

This fear never truly went away, with so much on display I worried constantly about who was reading it, what they thought. My uncertainties were so deep, that when I joined this competition, I actually set up a separate journal to enter. On my main journal, all my previous writing had been fanfiction. Stories created in worlds people already knew, with characters they cared about, it was as safe as writing can ever possibly be.

I had no idea as yet what I was going to write for this competition, but I knew it would be original work, and I didn't have the courage to share that with everyone just yet. As the weeks went by in therealljidol, I opened up more than I ever dreamed I would, or even could. There were times when the prompt literally had the story flying out of my fingers and times like this week where I never knew what to write. I originally thought I would be writing fiction, but it didn’t work out that way. Instead each week I found myself laying out little pieces of myself. My family, my hopes, my dreams, my losses, my pain, my triumphs and my fears. Each week I shared more than the week before. Each piece allowed people get a little closer, and revealed a little bit more about me, and I loved every minute of it. The encouragement and support, that I received from the participants in this competition was overwhelming.

But still I was afraid to share this with my world at large. With the exception of a handful of friends, no-one knew about this journal, or my participation in the competition, at least not until last week. Last week I finally let my mum read the piece I’d written about her, and let my husband read all of the pieces I had written about our life, and our son. The day after that I posted the links on my main journal and invited anyone who was interested to go and have a look.

I don’t know what changed, but I was finally comfortable sharing my world and ideas. Not only was I comfortable with it, I welcomed it. Not because I believed that they are great works of literature, but because they were pieces of me, pieces I wanted to share, and I was proud of them.

Now, I find myself enjoying wondering who has been reading my lj, and what they thought of it. Do any of my stories give someone some hope, or a different view of things. Do they make them smile, laugh or even cry?

I am no longer the ogre on the bridge, fearfully guarding my secrets and forbidding anyone interested in sampling the grass. Nor am I afraid to cross the bridge myself, if there is something worth the risk. I know some people will cross over and may hate what they find. Both here and in my main journal I’m sure there are things people may like, dislike, agree with, or disagree with. But it no longer worries me.

So anyone who now wishes to trip trap on either of my LJ’s is more than welcome. Come over, pull up a chair, comment and give me a shout. I like meeting new friends and sharing new passions. Have a look round and a really good rummage, because everything here is for the sharing.


This has been my entry for therealljidol All comments and constructive criticism is more than welcome. My partner for this week has been the lovely rattsu it has been a lot of fun working together, you can read their entry HERE. If you liked this entry, please consider voting for me HERE
Tags: lj idol
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